We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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