why didn't you poke me back
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize