Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
