The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
