Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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