my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
