Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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