yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
