Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
