my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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