you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
