just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dear god my vagina.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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