here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
