I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
