she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
