Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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