I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
