I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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