At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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