I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
