OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
