That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
