i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
