she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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