woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
