Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
