I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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