THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
