you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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