I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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