How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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