i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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