Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
