someone get that fucking seahorse.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
