It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
