Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I AM VODKA MAN
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
