sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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