Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
