I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
