i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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