wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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