Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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