her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
