Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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