I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink