Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened