You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
