Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
