White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
