It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
