If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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