There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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