I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
