Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
