i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i've created a new STD.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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